HOW TO KNOW IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE HAS A PROBLEM WITH SEX OR PORNOGRAPHY

By Phillip Sharp, Ed.D., NCLP

The terms sex addict, porn addict or love addict captions a very popular pseudo-diagnosis of late.  I receive calls on a weekly basis, often from the spouses or significant other partners who are concerned about their mate.  The partner usually expresses distress and anxiety related to discovered behaviors that call the fidelity of the relationship into question.  The brief article below is my effort to help educate regarding this concern.

It is important to realize that the terms “sex addict”, “porn addict”, and “love addict” are not official medical or psychological diagnoses.  These terms describe behavioral phenomena frequently observed in the human population.  Although various medical and helping professionals agree that such problems exist and the American Society of Addiction Medicine states that such problems are real, the larger health care community continues to debate the nature of this disease. 

If we can put aside these polarizing terms for one moment, I want to suggest to you something that is even more important than the labels.  That is, to ask what impact these behaviors have on you and your loved one and what impact does it have on your relationship, friendships, work or any other major life domain.  I would like to summarize for you what behaviors I find to be indicative of a real problem and other ideas that may help you honestly evaluate your situation.   Keep in mind that denial is the most common defense mechanism associated with this problem, so it is essential to hear the contrasting viewpoint of significant others.

One important question to ask is how these behaviors affect your significant or romantic relationship.  Does this cause your partner to feel insecure, threatened or jealous?  You may think your actions, thoughts and behaviors to be insignificant, or even think, “Everybody does it.”  It is essential to ask yourself how much distress this causes your partner and whether your perpetuation of these behaviors could further damage or end your relationship.  In that case, change may be the most desirable option, whether you think your behaviors are all right or not. 

Other questions to ask include how these behaviors affect your job performance, your friendships, your children, your mental health and your leisure.   If you have a real problem, we would expect to see signs of trouble including one or more of the following.  For work, this may include reduced performance, missed days of work, extra sick days or missing important meetings.  For relationships, it may manifest in less time for friends or family (missed events), being physically present but mentally or emotionally absent.  

In the mental health arena, we may observe frequent anger, irritability or the display of other negative attitudes.  In your leisure life, we may see a change in healthy patterns including a significant reduction in self-care activities with yourself or with others.  For many, there seems to be an obsession with internet use of porn, visiting dating or swinging sites, risqué chats, inappropriate pursuit of or communication with other potential sexual or romantic partners (in a way that threatens your current relationship) or simply an inordinate amount of time spent fantasizing about or scanning the environment for erotic stimuli. 

If any of the above-mentioned signs reminds you of your situation, Dr. Sharp is available to schedule an appointment with you to professionally assess and consult about your concerns.